Many people jump head first into marriage without discussing the 10 most important topics thoroughly, if at all. Some are afraid of the answers. Some have their head in the clouds and assume things will just "work out"! It does not matter how long you are engaged. What matters is how many honest discussions you have had with your significant other about these 10 topics.
Topic Number One! Finances. Touchy subject, right? So if this person is intended for life, why not thoroughly discuss it? Where do each of you stand financially? Bank Accounts, Retirement Funds, Stocks & Bonds,,, Then print out and discuss each other's credit file and FICA scores. What lead to the results? Are there problems that are habitual here? Is there a way to improve this before the wedding? Are either or both of you financially responsible? If so you are off to a decent beginning here. If not, these practices lead to others that may ruin a marriage down the road.....
Topic Number Two! Employment. Where are you each now and where do you want to go with your career? Do you each have short and long term goals in your career, in your education? Do these goals need to change or be revised when you marry? Who will revise their plans and in what way?
Topic Number Three! Family. No, not having children yet, that is later. I mean extended family. Those people who are already here. How do you each get along with each other's family? Are there unresolved conflicts? Is there a way to work out problems now so they do not escalate later and you find yourself asserting your position because everyone thinks of YOU as the outsider, not the extended family member?
Topic Number Four! Personal Belongings. What will each of you keep, and what are you willing to sell or give away. This may not seem big now, but it is later. You are melding two lives into one. Will you each keep both sets of furniture? Does the dog stay or go? Can selling some items not needed help pay for the wedding? Can you each be objective about the stuff you own, and acknowledge what you truly need and what can go? Do it before you plan the wedding. That time is stressful enough.
Topic Number Five! Bills. Yes, I mean the bills you both pay now, and the bills you will pay when you live together. Who has outstanding debt? Car payments, charge cards, all of it. Are you each responsible for the others debt jointly? Or are you accepting the responsibility to pay off pre-existing debt out of your own pocket after the marriage? Deal with this issue now so there are not hard feelings later. How will the bills be split after marriage? Each paying 50/50, or a percent based on income?
Topic Number Six! Home Chores. Who is responsible for the laundry, shopping, yard work, house cleaning, etc...A long list goes here! Don't be fooled into thinking one or the other will automatically do it. Or that it will just get done! It won't! At least not after the first few months. Anything that you can't agree on, you will have to pay someone else to do. Does that help to get one of you to step up to the plate? Don't make the mistake of doing more than you should. This is a 2 way street.
Topic Number Seven! Alone Time. Will you both fit each other in when you can? Or should you continue to "date"? How often will you need to make sure you are alone together? Will you continue doing fun things, or put them on hold until the months slip away? Will you each start taking each other for granted? Please discuss this now! And then discuss it again.
Topic Number Eight! Background. How has the other person presented themself to you so far? Are there already habits or behaviors that annoy you? Things you question and keep pushing to the back of your mind? Check it out now! Get straight answers. Talk to friends and family, or hire a private investigator. I don't care how you do it, just find out now. I don't mean barrage people with questions. Just pay attention. Bring up what you have been told and notice if their is avoidance in answers.
Topic Number Nine! Compromise. Does your partner flip flop? Once they give in to anything, (I don't care) or they give in to nothing. (I don't care) Do they lie and later say it was to "avoid a fight"? (I don't care) Are they more willing to talk than listen (I don't care) Do they understand what you are saying, or do they interpret it their own way and proceed from there? (I don't care) Pay attention to how they deal with issues. It won't change later.
Topic Number Ten! The Wedding. How much should you spend? Where will it be? Do you each care and compromise on the issues around the wedding? Are you BOTH involved in the planning? This is the first test of how you deal with extreme stress. How are you doing?
If you are each satisfied with the outcome of these 10 Topics you have a great chance at a BEGINNING. If not, stop now. If you need help do not go to any counselor in the yellow pages. Many of them are not good. Ask your doctor for a referral, ask a trusted family member or friend or co-worker. Then see if you can work it out there. It is much easier than what can happen later.
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